As time has gone on and I have ticked off the chemo sessions, seeing the finishing line in the not to distant future, I have run ahead of myself. I have planned nice days out, celebrations for friends and families for exciting events and looked to make future plans for holidays.
It has been fun and exciting putting plans together and beginning to see how can start to enjoy life again. It’s helped make me feel more ‘normal’ and has been nice to give back to those that have helped me through the last few months.
But today the reality of life with Bob and chemotherapy reminded me of what is happening. My son caught a cold and cough, something so simple that all toddlers get. Although you are advised to stay away from people when they are unwell, this is not always possible especially when little man wants mummy cuddles when poorly. The impact of this….He passed the love onto me.
5 days on from it’s start, I feel like my head wants to explode, my teeth hurt so much I don’t want to eat (caused by pressure in my sinus’), my temperature hit highs of 40.3 overnight and I’m generally feeling sorry for myself. It also means that my chemotherapy has had to be delayed by a week. Doesn’t sound like much but this delay for me has a more significant impact.
You see next week is mine and my amazing other halves 10 year anniversary. And to celebrate I had planned for us to have lovely night away in luxury hotel, and have dinner at a restaurant I have always wanted to go to. Instead I am now going to celebrating 10 years with a chemo cocktail!! To say I’m gutted is an understatement. It’s an occasion that yes you can celebrate it at another time but it’s not a date that we can ever get back again. It feels like Bob has wanted to send me a reminder of his presence and control after a relatively good run for a couple of months.
Even though I have been looking to the future and trying to make plans, its reminded me how challenging this is. I see and hear so many stories of amazing people fighting their own Bob’s, and am so thankful for this life and family that I have that I want to make the most of it, sharing and making memories with those I love. But I am very much still on the Bob rollercoaster and maybe I need to readjust expectations for myself until I am able to disembark.