A Letter to My Son

To My Darling Boy,

Today is your third birthday, a birthday that when your my age you probably won’t recall. In fact there is so many things over the last three years of your life that you are unlikely to remember. But equally these years are also the ones that will have significant impact in shaping you into the person you will be in the future.  This has been one of my greatest fears, that somehow my illness at such a young informative age will have a negative impact on you.  As I recover now, this is something that has plagued on my mind, however as time passes I don’t believe it will, because one thing that never faulted during the whole time was how much your daddy and I loved and cared for you.

You are unlikely to remember that your mum was sick, that she struggled to get by on a daily basis. If you do remember anything it will more likely be the cheeky “don’t tell daddy” movie cuddle days. Your unlikely to remember the few times you had to accompany me to the hospital for tests because I had no other choice, but more likely to remember role playing Emergency rescue and Dr/surgeon. Your unlikely to remember the days when mummy struggled to get out of bed but instead remember the daytime snoozes with mummy.

Unlike so many things cancer took from me, one thing it could never take away was being your mum.  You always needed me, and showed that you needed me.  Daddy and I did everything we could to help you feel safe and secure despite all that was happening.  You helped us do this.  You have so much empathy and compassion for someone so young and I hope that this is a trait that never leaves you as you grow older.

But what I really want to tell you is thank you.  Having you in our life was like the shining beacon through this difficult period.  Your laughter, giggles and cheeky smile would consistently put a smile on our faces.  Your morning cuddle attacks, would always have the affect of motivating me to get out of bed no matter how bad I felt.  Your morning wake up kisses helped me to move beyond the fatigue.  Your interest in learning about the world around me, motivated me to find ways to teach you within my capabilities.  Your drive for independence was a blessing to be nurtured. 

You helped me to continually see the beauty in the world, to be more present and see the small things and take me away from the big things whirling around inside my brain.  You helped me to be able to find things to be grateful for, and one thing I could always be grateful for was you.   And now as I recover, I love to sit and admire the world with you; watching the birds, or the worms, seeing the sun poke through the trees, listening out for the sounds all around.

People often ask me “how on earth did you manage to undergo treatment for cancer while being a mum?”, and the truth is yes of course it was challenging especially at times, but my memories of my time with you during that period are only of love, joy and smiles.

Happy birthday my darling boy.

Love Mummy xx

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